I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
