what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
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