Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize