I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
