I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
