Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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