my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
