i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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