Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
