im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
