I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
