I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
