But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
