your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
he shaved USA in his pubs
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
not ubering you a puppy
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
