so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
