I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
