I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize