dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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