then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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