i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
