I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
