Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize