Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
