weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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