I must be too annoying 4 u.
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
