Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
