dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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