it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
