How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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