Midget sex pt 2 tonight
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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