U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
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