I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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