oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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