I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize