I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
