he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
