i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize