Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
if only i could text you this smell
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
