my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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