life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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