she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
