i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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