I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
