life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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