The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
