Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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