I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize