I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
