if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
