I am in a vortex of obligation.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
