i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
