sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
This is my life. Enjoy the view
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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