the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
