Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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