this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
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