she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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