3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
