i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
i am craving dick and cupcakes
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize