My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
It's just like the Real World with babies
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
