i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
