OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
