Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Randomize
